What do You Want and How do You Get it? This is a question that many of us would answer differently. Some would say, let your work speak for itself. Others would say it is a responsibility of those above me to advocate for my needs. Others would publicly dissent and protest. Others would embark on a silent resistance movement. Yet others would be indifferent and give up on any further pursuit. Which approach is better?
Well, no approach is by itself good or bad because context matters. The way you would get what you want from your government is different from how you would get what you want from your employer or your spouse. However, with all that in mind, I have come to learn of one fundamental truth: you cannot get what you are not willing to ask for. And I say this not just because I have read or heard about it, but because I have tested and tried it. Let me share a few personal examples of how asking has been going for me so far:
- At 17 years-old I asked my mother if I could get a phone. She said you cannot get it but you can earn it. How much is the phone? She asked. I did my research and got back to her. I was in form five then and I had three core subjects: Physics, Chemistry, and Mathematics. So, she divided the cost of the phone into three and said: for every A you get in school this year, I will give you this money. So, if you get three As, you can have a phone. Oh boy did I work hard for the three A’s and oh boy did I get them! I got the phone, which ended up being my brother’s because I was the gullible last born. Anyway, getting what you want is really founded on earning it. Otherwise, it would be very easy and everyone would get what they want.
- In 2011 I graduated with my Bachelor’s degree. I went back to see my mother in the village soon after and one day, clearly worried, she asked me: so, what’s next? I told her I was looking for jobs. She then said to me: the only person I know who could help us is a friend of mine who has a wholesale shop in Moshi town. Maybe you could start by selling at his shop. I will never forget this moment! It makes my eyes wet to-date. I resorted to a principle I was starting to believe in – asking. But who could I ask? I had done an internship with Stanbic Bank Tanzania while studying at the University of Dar es Salaam. So, I reached out to the Branch Manager of the branch I had interned at. I did not know him and he did not know me before the internship. While my work spoke for me, it could only do that after I reached out and expressed my need. After I asked. As a result, I got my first job as a Direct Sales Agent which was the stepping stone for a 6+ years fulfilling career with the bank.
- In 2014 I wanted to go for further studies to advance my career. I set a pact with myself: I would dedicate three months of going to the office every weekend to shortlist and apply for scholarships. After that time, I would stop and if nothing would come back, I would focus on something else. One thing came back. I got a fully funded scholarship for my Master’s degree in the UK. During the farewell dinner at the British Council in Tanzania a few weeks before our departure, the then Director of British Council said to me: Epiphania, I knew a few minutes after you walked in the interview room and shook our hands that you were qualified for the scholarship. Getting what you want involves more than the skills and certificates you put on paper. It is the whole of you: your character, the way you connect with people and the impression you leave on others. Remember, humans are social beings. We are driven most by how we connect with each other. That is why this Maya Angelou’s line is forever: “people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
- In 2015 I received the results that I had gotten a distinction grade in my Master’s degree and I really, really wanted to celebrate this achievement by attending my graduation ceremony back in the UK. Jobless at the time, I of course couldn’t afford the trip. Having learnt that I was the first recipient of that scholarship program to get a distinction, I went back to my sponsors and built my case. As a result? I was awarded a fully-funded trip to my graduation in December 2015. Please, just ask.
- In 2017 I created a folder called “PhD” in my then Acer laptop. It wasn’t until two years later however, when my daughter was about 18 months that this idea grew any legs. In January 2019, I made another pact with myself: I would spend the first three months of 2019 doing everything to the best of my ability to get a PhD admission and scholarship. After that time, I would stop and if nothing came back, I would move on to something else. In September 2019 I started my fully-funded PhD program at the University of Manchester. What am I saying? Before you conclude that you did not get what you wanted, can you genuinely answer yes to this question: did you do your absolute best to pursue it? Your absolute best is the most accurate stop signal in any pursuit. Anything else is an excuse.
- In 2022 and 2023 I went through significant personal challenges that strained my PhD progress. I summoned support within and without. I put my head down as the storm passed. I slept and woke up with Maya Angelou’s wisdom: I have had many clouds in my sky. But I have also had many rainbows. As sure as the sun would rise and set, when I looked up again, I saw some rainbows. I knew I needed a resource boost to run the last mile of my PhD. I saw a funding opportunity, but I had not met some of its requirements. But I was reminded that unless the person crafting the requirements had met someone with circumstances exactly like mine, they would surely not know to include them. So, I reached out. I requested for meetings. I built my case. And I submitted my application. As a result? I got funding that supported my career progress for the critical last three months of my PhD. Again, getting what you need involves more than what you put on paper. It involves drawing from your social capital, connecting with people who need to know your case. Remember, there are many people out there who can and want to support you, but they first have to know what support you need.
- In 2024 I wanted to undertake a professional coach training. This is something I have always wanted to do. I made some of my first attempts in 2019 and 2020, which were not successful. Then, 2024 was the time. I combined all my savings but was still running short of the course fees by far. Again, I asked … for something. Having been a PhD student, I sent an email to the coach training organisation asking if they could offer me a student discount. They said no. Hmm! What next. Still, I asked. I reached out to a specific individual through LinkedIn and built my case one more time. As a result? I got a significant discount that made it possible for me to pursue the training programme that made me the Coach that I am today. By the way, if you are reading this and you are studying in the UK, ask if anything you are about to purchase has a student discount. Carry your student ID with you all the time for the moments your emotional brain drags you towards something you had not planned to buy. Thank me later.
So, for me, I hope you can see that nothing will ever convince me against asking. I have the data and the results to support my conviction. But many of us still struggle with asking. From the smallest things to things that can literally change in our lives. So really:
What makes it so hard to ask for what we need?
Sometimes it is because we have been conditioned to not ask. We were told, asking is bothering others. Asking is weakness. We play heroes but we forget that it is others who make heroes heroes.
Sometimes we don’t ask because … what if we get a NO? Exactly, what if we get a no? It definitely doesn’t feel good to get a no. But let’s fix our gaze on the goal: is the goal to feel good or to get what we need? Focus on the goal. Feeling bad is temporary. You will recover. What you will never recover from is the eternal wonder of “what could have been if I asked”. Remember, in whatever we do in life, we often don’t have control over outcomes. What we have control over is the process: the actions we take such as asking; how we take them such as doing our best. Bottom line is that there is no guarantee that doing your best will give you the outcomes you desire. The link between effort and outcome is not a one-to-one. There are many factors at play including luck. But luck meets those who are busy doing something. The more you act, the more you go against your own grain and endure the discomfort, the luckier you get.
So, what do you want? How do you get it? Do you believe you can get it? What have you done to get it? Is what you have done your best? What else can you do? These are important questions to ask ourselves constantly. We can ask these questions as part of self-reflection but we can also do that with someone else, especially a coach who can guide our thought process to untangle the knots that may be holding us back. I have personally been coached and that has been one of my best decisions.
Now, do you feel capable and able to move towards what you need or do you feel stuck? While it is okay to feel stuck, don’t stay stuck for too long. What you need could be an ask away. If all else fails, you can start by asking to work with a professional coach. Bottom line is to do something. Anything to move forward.
Next time we will dig a little more into specific strategies to make our asks more effective.
Until next time,
BE MORE!
Dr EK.
Leave a Reply