In 2018 I ran my first half marathon at a time when I was suffering from a major bout of imposter syndrome.
This was among the biggest deposits into my portfolio of evidence for my subsequent career and personal growth.
I had finished my Master’s degree two years earlier and was in my second year of a junior leadership position.
If you asked me how I was doing in that role, my answer would be I don’t know. Just winging it.
I didn’t know if I was delivering what was expected of me.
I had a certain expectation of myself also, but I didn’t think I was meeting it.
I wanted … desperately … to rise above that point … but had been engulfed by doubt.
Do I have what it takes to rise?
My career trajectory before then had been somewhat steep. As an individual contributor, I had built a strong reputation for reliable technical expertise and excellent customer service.
But as a Team Leader, I had no clue. My sense of impostorism made it worse.
It blinded me from all the evidence that I did any good work.
No matter how much positive feedback I received …
From my immediate managers, peers and executives …
the feeling of un-enoughness was stronger!
I woke up every day … scared … am I a fraud? Beneath my apparent confidence and upbeat attitude, was a deep sense of vulnerability. I watched a lot of TED talks at the time, including this one by Amy Cuddy that highly influenced me: https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_may_shape_who_you_are?subtitle=en
At the very least, it made me realise that what I was experiencing was normal.
And I know now … that many new leaders face this.
Amy Cuddy says in the TED talk that sometimes we have to “Fake it until we make it”. I did something. At the time I would say the same: “faking it”. Wrapping the vulnerability in a manufactured confidence. But beyond, and more importantly, I know now that I was consistently BEING MORE.
I consistently chose to go against my own fear and bruised confidence. Every time I came back from a MaNagers’ Committee (MaNCo) meeting, to go through the discomfort of thinking that I went to showcase my severely underdeveloped PowerPoint skills.
The path was steep and slippery.
As I juggled falling and rolling and taking punches on this path, I had also had my daughter just over a year earlier.
With my husband and I then in two different countries, I was in the absolute thickest of balancing the proverbial work and life.
Want a peek into how thick? And you can laugh at me on this one.
One day my nanny knocked at my bedroom door to ask what was for dinner that evening. You know what I did? I broke down and cried. Yep! I did exactly that.
In Swahili we have a wishful thinking “dunia simama nishuke”. Like if the world could just stop for a moment and let me hop off to a place where I did not have to figure out anything. Then go on to take one full revolution around the sun and pick me on its way back? That would have been fantastic. Thank you very much.
But nope. The world can’t, won’t and shan’t do that. Fortunately. Or unfortunately.
So, we move. We breakdown … then we move.
One day I was helping an executive with some IT query and decided I could draw a word or two of wisdom from his journey. I asked how he had gotten there.
I also said: I want to grow. But I don’t think I know how to do that.
If you are currently giving it 100 percent, give it 110 – he said.
Okay. Sounds great. But I had kind of forgotten how giving a 110 percent looked like.
My memory of what I was the threshold of my capacity was … at best … mere fog!
I craved some clarity. Some grounding. Some evidence to jog my memory.
Then I saw something. An opportunity to jog my memory. To remind me that I could do hard things.
I saw that the 2018 Rotary Dar es salaam marathon was upcoming.
I decided I would participate. I had never run even 10km before.
I jogged and walked frequently, but just enough to release the guilty of having eaten a lot of “Chipsi Mayai”.
But a marathon? Anything close to a marathon? Nada!
My colleagues laughed when I told them my intentions. One asked if I was aware that I could pass out.
The following week I prepared.
I walked and jogged every opportunity I got
I left my car at home and packed some running shoes and leggings in a backpack. Walking back home from work became a cherished evening activity.
Well, except for one day when I tripped on a broken water pipe and fell. Face down. Right next to the long line of Dar es salaam evening traffic strolling by.
A week later I learnt that a colleague had witnessed my fall from grace. Maybe he didn’t know what he would say even if he pulled over. But I was too embarrassed so I thanked him for not interrupting.
Anyway. Days came and went and I made it to the half marathon finish line. I captured this portfolio of evidence in a photo as an artefact to remind me that:
“If I did it before, I could do it again”.
This is what I told myself. And of course, in the digital world, also my Facebook friends:
Now, why am I telling you this story?
One thing I have come to learn both as a coach and in my own personal development journey is the importance of what I call a “Portfolio of evidence”. A personal record to remind you of the strengths, resources and willpower that you are capable to summon. Especially when impostor syndrome hits.
When your confidence … your sense of purpose … or your motivation weans – what historical artefacts do you have to remind you of what you are actually capable of?
I love a coaching tool called “Career Timeline”. I have personally been coached with it and have used it with some of my clients.
Every time I do it amazes me how much we forget about what resources, capabilities, willpower and strength we have summoned in the past to navigate new challenges.
Even more amazing is how empowering we feel to overcome current and future challenges when we can revisit our portfolio of evidence.
This is exactly why I am so passionate about coaching early and mid-career professionals.
To encourage and help them see and pursue opportunities and challenges to deposit into their portfolio of evidence every day. To expand the current horizon of capability, influence and possibility.
The mission is one: to BE MORE today … so we can RISE tomorrow.
Until next time,
BE MORE
Dr EK
The Coach for early- and mid-career professionals.
Let’s talk about how I could work with you individually or with early- and mid-career professionals in your organisation HERE
Leave a Reply